Tuesday, September 21, 2004

It Really Is a Different Planet

"I'm going out for a pottery night next week."

I pause in my critical attempt to destroy the undead in Fable and look up at Gloria. Pottery? I'm part of a royal bloodline and I'm trying to restore a kingdom, woman.

"There are entire nights for pottery?" I ask.
"Yes," she says. "It's a pottery studio that's open to the public."
"Well, what do you make?"
"Plates," she says. "And pots. You could also make a cup."
"Can you make dinosaurs?" I ask.
"I don't think so," she says.
"Giant spiders?"
"Sports heroes?"
"Do they have t.v.'s?"
"No t.v.'s? What do you do there?"
"Pottery," she says.
"Not even ONE t.v.?"
"What about an Internet connection?"
"So you really just sit down with a lump of clay and spin it around?"
"Yes," she says. "And talk. Colleen, Farrah, and Jeanine are going with me."
"So you have to spin a lump of clay around and talk the whole time?"
"Is this something we need to experience as a family?"
Ah. The silver lining.

Gloria also told Eli about this before he went down for his nap, and when he woke up he said "Mommy! What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Harry Pottery!"

[At this point, I was going to tell a story about one of Gloria's friends (not mentioned by name above), who I described as 'an unholy alliance of solipsist and witch.' The story was subsequently censored by The Committee of One. I'm okay with that, since Gloria has vetting rights on anything about her (or her friends or family), but just imagine that a far wittier anecdote than I've ever written would have appeared in this space. Also, it segued into the next paragraph.]

This does speak to the basic differences between men and women when it comes to friendship. Men have a few basic rules of friendship:
1. Don't cry in front of me. Also don't talk about having cried.
2. Don't talk about your feelings. It cuts into the time we have to talk about sports.
3. When you agree to do something, do it.
4. Don't make excuses for anything. Ever. As Yoda (the ultimate dude) says "Do or do not--there is no try."

That's pretty much sums it up for us. Women, however, have a multi-tiered evaluation system for every encounter with a friend where points are awarded on a sliding, highly variable scale influenced by everything from lipstick color to this year's corn crop. It's exhausting to even consider it in a theoretical sense.

Venus--it's a tough place to live.

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