Tuesday, February 22, 2005

It's a Good Time to Begin Shopping For Memory Erasure

You people send me crazy links all the time and want me to write about them.

I read the link about the Oklahoma judge using a penis pump during trials. I did like the disgusting detail that a "whooshing" sound could be heard on the audio transcripts of the trials in question. Didn't write about it, though.

I read the link about the female distance runner from Zimbabwe who turned out to have a walking stick. And here was the explanation:
Sithole told the court he was born congenitally deformed. A tribal healer, known in the West as a witchdoctor, gave him "female status" but the spell didn't work properly because his family didn't pay the healer's full fee, Sithole said.

Dude, you're such a sithole. Didn't anyone ever tell you that you get what you pay for? And if you want to stiff somebody, it's not the guy who's rearranging your genitalia.

But I didn't write about that, either.

You might have been lulled into a false sense of security by my restraint. Perhaps you told your grandmother about this blog and thought it might amuse her. Maybe it does.

When someone sends me a link about Koko the gorilla having a nipple fetish, though, the restraint is over.

Again, I can't possibly make this stuff up:

Koko, in case you've never heard of her before, is only the coolest animal on the planet. She communicates via sign language, knows over 1,000 signs, and can recognize over 2,000 words of English. She asked for a pet once, and I still have a book of photographs that show her tenderly caring for a tiny kitten.

So for me, Koko is the Mother Teresa of gorillas. She's my hero of the animal world.

And she has a nipple fetish.

Here's an excerpt from the story (edited):
The suit claims [Francine] Patterson pressured the two women on several occasions to expose their breasts to Koko, a 33-year-old female...They were threatened that if they “did not indulge Koko’s nipple fetish, their employment with the Gorilla Foundation would suffer,” the lawsuit alleged.

The lawsuit claims that on one occasion Patterson said, “’Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples.”’

Are we absolutely sure that "Francine Patterson" isn't an alias for Steve Ballmer? Because he did that monkey dance before the original Xbox came out, and I'm telling you, this has his nipple-prints all over it.

And poor Francine Patterson (if she's not really Steve Ballmer, that is). She's Koko's trainer, she has a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology from Stanford, and she's been President of the Gorilla Foundation for nearly thirty years, but none of that really matters now. When she dies, her tombstone, her legacy, will be this:

.................Francine Patterson, R.I.P.
.......You are probably bored with my nipples

There's one more horrifying detail. Years ago, Koko appeared on Mr. Rogers.

Did he lift his sweater?

Site Meter