Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Onterrio Smith: The Wiz of Whiz

MINNEAPOLIS -- The NFL was considering whether to penalize Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith after it was revealed he was caught at the Twin Cities airport with an elaborate contraption designed to beat drug tests.

A search of a bag Smith was carrying April 21 turned up several vials of dried urine and a device called "The Original Whizzinator," which includes a fake penis, bladder and athletic supporter. An NFL spokesman said using the device during a drug test would be a violation of league drug policies, but it wasn't clear whether there were penalties for possessing one outside of a testing situation.

Onterrio, my man, we need to talk.

I can say with absolute certainty that the only penis you should take on a plane flight is your own. I can see how you would be dazzled by the fancy marketing on The Original Whizzinator web site, and I admit I was impressed by the option of ordering the fake penis in five, count 'em, five different skin tones. Like you, I was absolutely blown away by the "Is It Real Or Is It The Whizzinator?" challenge. It's a fake penis that dares to dream, Onterrio, and we all need dreams.

And the testimonials!
God Bless all of ya'll.
I was about to have to dry out as nothing else worked(nor I as a result).
Now I got a better job and pay than ever before. All my thanks for enabling me to keep my lifestyle as well as my family.
Ya'll were the answer to a prayer.

Sure, I got a little teary-eyed reading that, too. Because it's all about the lifestyle, man, it's all about the lifestyle. But I'm thinking that the lifestyle that goes with your $235,000 NFL salary is probably worth a little too much to stake your career on the effectiveness of The Whizzinator.

If the NFL suspends you (again), though, keep that thing handy. You'll probably need it.

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