Monday, May 09, 2005

A Surprising Moment

During my formative years, pornography was not available on the Internet. Instead, vast collections of sexually explicit material resided in retail establishments. The neon signs marking the location of these establishments came in only two varieties: “NEWS” and “XXX.”

I must confess, somewhat to my embarrassment, that I never actually stepped inside one of these bastions of the First Amendment. However, I imagined them: dimly lit, difficult to find what you’re looking for, and badly stained, threadbare carpet.

Imagine my surprise when, on Saturday night, at the mall, I found the store I had only previously imagined. It was called Electronics Boutique.

Memo to Gamestop: as part of your inspection tour of the eight million Electronic Boutiques you just purchased, please pay special attention to the condition of the carpet at the EB in Barton Creek Mall in Austin. If you removed that carpet and placed it in a crack house, here is a sample of the conversations that would ensue:
“Yeah, man, I need some crack and I got to…WHOA! Damn, man, look at that carpet. That is DISGUSTING!"

Yes, it’s also impossible to walk into that store and find anything even remotely resembling what you’re actually looking for, but let’s start small. Carpet does not last forever and it must occasionally be replaced. Having gone to that location intermittently for the last fifteen years, I guarantee that the carpet has not been replaced in that period of time.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

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