Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Viva La Fashion

I went shopping for clothes today.

Gloria was having a "high tea" or something at our house. "It's not 'high tea'," she said. "It's just a few friends over for lunch."

"How long will they stay?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said. "A few hours."

"To men, that's high tea," I said.

This morning, I went through the mandatory pre-company ritual. That means moving all of my crap out of the living room and leaving no trace of my existence in the common areas. Standard married stuff.

So I had some time today. The last time I shopped for clothes, I--well, I can't say that, because I'll be damned if I can even remember the last time I bought clothes. Besides, Ross, anyways, because I remember writing a column about spending money on cutting edge electronics from Japan but wanting to buy lopsided shirts from Ross to save three dollars.

There's a Kohl's store a few miles from our house, so I stopped there on the way home. There was a huge selection of men’s clothing that was deeply discounted, mostly the casual stuff, which is exactly what I was looking for.

After surveying the men’s clothes, I can say without hesitation that gay is the new straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

So I’m picking a few things out, because I don’t plan on doing this again for five years, and that’s when it happened. I looked over to my right and saw a rack of long-sleeved shirts with a pattern on them that made them look wrinkled. They were shirts that were supposed to look wrinkled.

Now wait. I know that you’ve got your car keys in hand and you’re headed to Kohl’s, but you need more information first.

I immediately saw the staggering conceptual beauty of this concept. If I leave this shirt in the dryer for, oh, two days, no one will know. I can wad it up in a ball and throw it on my bookshelf for a week, and no one is the wiser.

I waited over forty years for this day, and finally it’s here. Being a slob is now a style. I’m not an emotional person, but I don’t mind saying that I teared up as I stood there in Men’s Fashions, staring at a shirt that represented my entire adult life—rumpled, uneven, and sloppy.

Viva la fashion!

These shirts are called “Chaps Easy Care,” and there are apparently only four patterns for the long-sleeved shirt, two of which look like a horrible accident at a sherbert factory. The other two, though, are wearable.

A new gaming console that supports 720p (and possibly 1080i) for all games is being introduced tomorrow. Shirts that are supposed to look wrinkled are available for purchase at a local retail store. It is, indeed, the most wonderful time of the year.

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