Monday, September 25, 2006


I give ESPN and ABC all the credit in the world for showing so many college football games in high-definition this year.

Too bad they aren't any fun to watch.

ESPN should rename itself the Entirely Self-Promoting Network, because it's completely out of control at this point. Their "score" ticker, which takes up a giant portion of the bottom of the screen, runs continuously during college football games. And the one thing you almost never see--are scores.

Here's an example. I was watching Michigan-Wisconsin Saturday morning, and the only other game going on at that time was Minnesota-Purdue. Frankenticker was still going full speed, though.

(Vertical scroll) Iowa St.-Texas at 2:30 on ABC
(Vertical scroll) Notre Dame-Michigan St. at 7:30 on ABC
Most of the country will see Notre-Dame Michigan on ABC. For the west coast and adjoining states, the game will be on ESPN2. Check your local listings. We'll scroll this message every 90 seconds for the next eight hours to be sure you understand, bitches.
(Horizontal scroll) Last year, Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn threw for 547 yards against Michigan St. If Michigan St. wins, see the post-game riot LIVE! on ESPN College Fan 24.
(Vertical scroll) West Virgina-East Carolina 2:30 on ESPN 360
(Horizontal scroll) West Virginia Linebacker Studs McCrappen only has one testicle. See its fallen comrade bronzed on ESPN U at 8:30.
(Vertical scroll-"NFL" tab selected) Monday Night Football on ABC at 8:30. We know Ron Jaworski's IQ is 100 points higher than Joe Theisman, but Theisman looks better in a suit.

You get golf scores. And tennis scores. And baseball scores. Oh, and you'll see the start time for every upcoming game on every ESPN sub-channel for the day.

It goes on and on and freaking on. It never stops. Miraculously, 80% of the information on Frankenticker seems to have some connection with current or future ESPN programming.

If you try to watch the ABC regional game at 2:30, you get to see Frankenticker, but it's even worse, because you get to see TEXT PROMOS for upcoming ABC shows:
Desperate Housewives premiers on ABC at 8:00 Sunday, September 24. We promise it will be funny again, like it was in the first year.

*$#damn promos for shows on the score ticker!

ESPN's problem, for us, is that they don't actually want us to watch the football game. They want us to watch the ticker so that they can spam us continually with self-promotional information.

Watch the CBS SEC game at 2:30 and it's totally different. The scoreboard ticker is less than half the size of ESPN's. There's no self-promotion, no show promos. The scoreboard ticker just shows football scores. Imagine that.

So even though my "home" conference is the Big-12, and even though I'd much rather watch the Big 12 game, I watch the SEC, because the coverage is so much less annoying that I enjoy the game ten times as much.

Nicely done, Frankenticker.

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