Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Hypochondriacs in Love

Gloria walked into our room right when I was about to get up this morning.

"I think I have pinkeye," she said heavily, sitting down on the bed beside me.

"You don't have pinkeye," I said. "I swear you thought you had an itchy penis when Eli had one last year."

"I'm serious," she said. "My eye is a little red, and it has a little discharge, and it's tearing up a little."

"This discharge," I said. "Was it a little crust in the corner of your eye, or was it on the lashed?"

"In the corner," she said.

"I call that 'sleep' and it's in the corner of my eye each morning," I said. "Eli calls it an eye booger. It's not pinkeye. I am ABSOLUTELY SURE you don't have pinkeye."

"All right," she said. "Thanks for calming me down." She leaned over and put her head on my bare chest."

"Hey!" I said. "Don't get your pinkeye on me. I don't want to get pinkchest!"

I get up and go into the bathroom to brush my teeth. She's staring into the mirror.

"Is your eye pink?" I asked.

"It's a little red," she said. "Here, take a look." I did.

"Your eye is white," I said. "White as a pearl. I hear that's one of the first symptoms."

"It is?" she asked, alarmed.

"Absolutely," I said. "Your eye looking absolutely perfect is a gateway symptom of pinkeye."

"You're kidding," she said.

"Yes, I am," I said. "But I really hope you don't have pinkeye, because some of the side-effects for adult women are very unpleasant."

"They are?" She was alarmed again. "What are they?"

"The most severe," I said, "is that it makes all women think they're gaining weight."

"Arggghhh!" she said.

She says that a lot.

"I'm going downstairs," she said. She leaned forward to kiss me, and I hesitated.

"I'm not sure about this," I said. "What if your eye sneezes pinkeye all over me?" She hit me.

She also does that a lot.

Then I saw that she was wearing glasses. "Wait, it's okay," I said. "Those glasses are perfect. They're like a salad guard!"

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