Monday, March 26, 2007

Tall Tales

On occasion I'll tell Eli 5.7 something that could be considered a "tall tale."

Wednesday night, Eli was eating a banana.

When he got halfway, he stopped and held up the banana. "Dad, what is this?" he asked, pointing to a small spot in the center (the ovum).

"That's the language center," I said. "Hundreds of thousands of years ago, that spot was much bigger, and bananas could actually talk."

"What? Dad, you are crazy," he said.

"No, it's true," I said. "Bananas actually had a larger vocabulary than parrots. Over time, though, the language center got smaller and smaller, and today, bananas can't say a single world. If you hold them up to your ear, though, every once in a while you'll hear one grunt."

"Mom!" Eli's holding his stomach because he's laughing so hard. "Mom, come listen to this!'

That's Eli's standard appeal to sanity--calling for Gloria.

Sunday we were having lunch at Chili's with my mom, and while we were sitting in the booth, Eli dropped a red crayon. "Mom, I dropped my crayon," he said. "Can I go under the table and get it?"

"No need," I said. "I'll get it for you. My hands have the ability to attract crayons."

"What?" Eli said.

"They do,"I said. "I'll get your crayon without taking my hands off the table."

"Whatever, Dad," Eli said. "But you're going to use your hands."

"Well, watch my hands, then," I said. "The one thing you can't do, though, is look under the table, because no magician lets you look at his secrets." I put my hands on top of the table and slipped my left foot out of its shoe. My prehensile toes did the rest.

"I can feel it moving," I said. "It's moving toward me. I've got it in the air now."

Eli is laughing. He's been watching my hands the whole time. "Dad, there is NO WAY," he said, just as I moved my hand to the edge of the table and moved it down a few inches to reach my foot.

And held up the red crayon.

"That did NOT just happen!" Eli 5.7 said.

"Stop messing with my head, David Blaine!" I said.

"Dad, do that again!"

"I can't," I said. "Powerful magic is very draining. I feel very weak right now."

"Oh, brother," Gloria said. "I think there's a better explanation than magic for that."

"Superhuman powers?" I asked.

"Monkey feet," she said.

"Just wait for the sawing the lady in half trick--then you'll be wishing for some magic."

We were driving home from Chili's and I mentioned that a friend of mine had gotten a new car with the "backup camera."

"Eli, when your dad gets a new car some day, do you want it to be red?" Mom knows that red is Eli's favorite color.

"I'm not sure," he said. "I think I want it to be green."

"Sorry, man, I can't do that," I said. "They're phasing out green."

"They're what?" he asked.

"They're phasing out green as a color," I said. "Six months from now, everything green will be yellow instead."


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