Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Eli 6.0: Just a Normal Day

Let me just say this about Sea World and Fiesta Texas: after being at both locations during 95+ degree weather, I think it's in our national interest for Congress to take action and pass a law outlawing bikinis. I know that 1% of the women in this country still look great in them, but given what I saw this weekend, we can no longer afford to take the risk with the other 99% of the population. I saw avalanches tumbling down mountains, dams bursting under pressure, and you don't even want to know what happened to the mayonnaise factory.

We were driving to Fiesta Texas on Saturday morning, which was only about fifteen minutes from our hotel. Eli was unusually quiet in the back seat, just hanging out and enjoying the drive. After almost ten minutes of total silence, we were nearing our turnoff for the park when he said "What I need now is a sample of human hair."

He's also started something new in the bath. Eli is uncircumcised, so each night in the bath he retracts his foreskin so that Gloria can pour a little cup of water over his privates. Now he stands up, and at the moment when his foreskin is retracted he uses his best robot voice and says "PENIS ACTIVATED!"

Eli 6.0 is in a rock climbing camp this week with "Mr. Matt," who used to teach gymnastics and karate classes at Little Gym (where Eli went for several years). When Mr. Matt left to teach at Austin Rock Gym, Eli immediately wanted to sign up the camp.

Mr. Matt's a great guy, and he's always given Eli excellent instruction, challenging him much more than his other teachers. He's Eli's favorite teacher, and I think Eli is probably his favorite student, too.

Tonight, Eli was taking his bath when I went upstairs.

"Dad, Mr. Matt is stronger than you are," he said.

"I'm sure he is," I said. He definitely is--the guy is absolutely ripped because he climbs so much. And I haven't lifted a car off someone in peril for at least a month.

"And I bet he's a faster runner," Eli said.

"Right again," I said. "And he's a better climber. But if you need someone to swim very slowly for two hours, I'm your guy."

"Well, maybe," Eli said. "But Mr. Matt could probably swim even slower."

I started playing Elite Beat Agents in our bedroom, which is next to the bath. Eli continued talking to Gloria.

"Wait a minute," Eli said. "I know one thing where Mr. Matt definitely can't beat Dad."

"What is that?" Gloria said.

"Resting!" Eli said brightly. Gloria burst out laughing. She's just mad because I picked a string off her shirt in the "chestal" region today, she asked what it was, and I said "booby lice." Heh.

When Eli got to his room, Gloria took a quick look at his bottom, because he'd been walking around in wet shorts for hours at Fiesta Texas on Saturday and had gotten a little bit of a bumpy rash. "Not too bad," she said.

"Well, I don't want to get chicken pox," Eli said.

"What?" Gloria asked, laughing.

"Little man, if people get chicken pox, it doesn't start on their butt," I said.

"I don't know," he said. "I know a kid who got got chicken pox and it DID start on his butt." He's apparently in the mob now, because he always "knows a guy who knows a guy." "I don't want to get chicken pox because I don't want to get a shot," he said.

"I don't think you'd get a shot for chicken pox," Gloria said. "It's a virus. Besides, you already had a vaccine."

"I have gotten so many shots in my life," Eli said.

"No, you haven't gotten many shots," Gloria said. "Just vaccines."

"Your mom's right," I said. "Besides, getting a shot now is nothing like it was when I was a kid."

"How?" Eli asked.

"When I was a kid," I said, "the needles were so dull that they needed two nurses to give you a shot. The first nurse held the needle against your arm and the second nurse took a hammer and went BAM! to drive it into your arm."

Eli was wide-eyed. "They used a HAMMER?"

"They did," I said. "And the medicine was thicker. It was like using a hammer to drive peanut butter into your arm."

"Dad!" he said, laughing.

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