Monday, May 04, 2009

The Death Of Hope

Keith Lewis, director of the Miss California Beauty Pageant gave an interview to the "Early Show" on Friday where he admitted that the pageant paid for breast implants for Miss California before she went to the Miss USA Pageant.


That was nothing, though, compared to this:
LEWIS: But there's plenty of ways of getting to more proportion without doing breast implants.
RODRIGUEZ: Well, but if...
LEWIS: Many of the girls use chicken cutlets.
RODRIGUEZ: ... if you have a flat chest, what are you supposed to do?
LEWIS: You use chicken cutlets. You use tape. You use anything that you can to enhance the line. There's lots of tricks of the trade.

When I saw the phrase "chicken cutlets," my heart began to sing. A herd of rainbow colored ponies emerged from a golden corral, frolicking under a sky of cotton candy clouds. At that moment, when a man said that women taped pieces of chicken to their boobies, I truly believed that anything was possible.

I was immediately filled with questions, and it filled my heart with joy to live in a world where I could ask these questions. Is it raw chicken or cooked? Is it battered? Does this give new meaning to the phrase "Shake and Bake?"

And why chicken? Do different contestants use different types of meat? And has anyone ever used buffalo?

I was positively giddy.

I started doing research. I was behind the curve when it came to poultry/boobie interaction, but I was going to catch up, and fast. At the first website I visited, I saw that "chicken cutlets" was a euphemism for gel inserts.

Then my world came crashing down.

I don't mind living in a world where women don't tape pieces of chicken to their breasts. What I mind is being given hope that such a thing is possible, then having that hope ripped away like the duct tape pageant contestants use to lift those same breasts.

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