Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Bulletstorm (Congratulations to People Can Fly, Epic, And EA)


Father, why do these words sound so nasty?

--Hair, 1967

Seriously, that doesn't even fit the post properly, but it has to be one of my favorite openings ever.

Cutting to the chase, Bullestorm is a profane and offensive game. I don't mean incidentally--from everything I can gather, "profane and offensive" is an important feature.

In particular, sexual "humor" abounds. A melee weapon is called a "drilldo." Killing multiple enemies in a particular way is a "gang bang" (and you see those words on the screen).

Okay, let's stop there for a minute. Gang bang?

Even for a game rated "M", that's ridiculous. That's not humor, that's raw sewage. Black comedy has a long and vital tradition, but this in no ways is black comedy, and it in no way serves the purpose of black comedy. It's just juvenile.

Let's make a deal. I won't be offended by seeing "GANG BANG" on the screen if there's also a head shot of the person who green-lighted that idea with the words "I AM A GIGANTIC DOUCHEBAG" floating above his face.

That seems fair.

Of course, acting like idiots as a way to sell a game has drawn the attention of FOX News, that bastion of impartial, precise reporting. Their probing (that's a pun, obviously) report was titled Is Bulletstorm the Worst Video Game in the World?, and here is an epic excerpt:
Carol Lieberman, a psychologist and book author, told that sexual situations and acts in video games -- highlighted so well in Bulletstorm -- have led to real-world sexual violence.

“The increase in rapes can be attributed in large part to the playing out of [sexual] scenes in video games,” she said.

Uh-oh. Looks like some village is missing an idiot.

Her assertion (and I'm sure that's what she pulled it out of) is so utterly ridiculous on so many levels that it's not even worth addressing. It's so entirely lacking in any even vagely factual basis that [insert your own FOX News joke HERE].

Surely, though, she must be an expert or something. I mean, she's a book author, right? So let's head over to Amazon and see what she's written. Oh, here's a list of titles:
Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets
Bad Boys: Why We Love Them, How to Live with Them, and When to Leave Them

Awesome! Clearly, she's an expert. Let's take a look at the product description of one of these penetrating tomes:
Why do millions of smart, savvy, successful men fall helplessly in love with women who are destined to break their hearts? Who are these "Bad Girls," poised to pounce o the next nice guy just waiting to become their prey? And how can good girls learn to become man-magnets without becoming 'bad'?

Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets by Dr. Carole Lieberman is a no-holds barred, provocative look at the dangerous damsels who steal the hearts of men everywhere. They take what they want---money, sex, drugs, or other objects of desire---and leave these unsuspecting men in the dust.

Well, that makes perfect sense. In StupidTown.

That's where Ms. Lieberman and the people who developed Bulletstorm should settle down together, because they clearly are a perfect match for each other.

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