Wednesday, February 09, 2005

DUBIOUS QUALITY: From the Inside

The following transcript was reconstructed from security tapes recorded at the Dubious Quality production facility on February 9, 2005. While there were over thirty people involved in the production of the February ninth blog, the voices identified on the transcript belong to the following employees: Otis P. Driftwood, Producer; Rufus T. Firefly, Engineer; Stephanie Dubious-Assham, Technician; Admiral Dan Sinking, Runner; Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding, Mastering Engineer. These employees are all sitting in the production booth, separated by glass from the writing floor.

Bill walks into the recording studio and speaks to the employees in the booth.

Bill (into microphone): Sorry, I'm late guys. Man, I had a great swim, though.
Producer: No problem, Bill.
(turns off microphone)
Producer: I could give two shits about his swimming.
Engineer: That's one more than I could give.
Runner: I had an internship with Conan O'Brien. Now I'm listening to people count shits. I've hit rock bottom.

(Bill sits down at the writing desk and stares at the monitor.)
Producer: So who's in the First Sentence pool?
Technician: I'll take 'It was a dark and stormy night.'
Engineer: I'll take 'Thanks to DQ reader xxx, who...'
Mastering Engineer: Five bucks on an anti-EA rant.
Producer: My guess is five thousand words on an obscure sports game. How's this for a first sentence? 'Little Debbie Equestrian Champions is a remarkable demonstration of the core mechanism of a great sports game: variation inside repetition.'
Producer: Thank you. That only took one draft, by the way.

Bill (into microphone): I'm having a hard time getting started.
Producer: No hurry. We've got time.
(turns off microphone)
Producer: We're 50K over budget and he hasn't written a word.
Technician: Diva.
Runner: He's more like a blind man looking for a flashlight. Even if he finds it, it's not going to do him any good.

Bill (into microphone): Okay, I think I'm ready.
(Bill, typing.)
Here's a follow-up on that monkey p*rn post from last week.
Producer (viewing monitor feed): Oh, my God. He's writing about monkey porn again. I am LOSING MY MIND here.
Technician (to Runner): NOW you've hit rock bottom.
Engineer: This is why I don't have any Webbies on my mantle.
Producer: Did I talk to him about the monkey porn last week? Did I not talk to him?
Technician: You talked to him.
Producer: It took him SIX MONTHS to forget about that video clip of a chimpanzee scratching his butt and then falling over when he sniffed his finger. This could go on for YEARS.

(Bill, staring off into space)
Engineer: We've got to get somebody on the phone. He's gone totally off the rails.
Mastering Engineer: What about Bill Abner? They get confused with each other all the time, anyway.
Producer: Somebody get Abner on the phone.

(Bill, staring at monitor)
Producer: Just type! It doesn't even have to be words. We'll fix it later.
Runner: Why are we working for this guy?
Mastering Engineer: Because he used to be good and he's got a name, so people read him.
Runner: I applied at Starspangledhaggis last week but they're not hiring.
Engineer: She doesn't need any help. She's actually funny.
Technician: I've got Bill Abner on the phone, but he's a no-go. Grade three ankle sprain and he's researching a seven volume history of the Cleveland Browns.

(Bill falls asleep)
Engineer: Talent down!
Producer: All we have is one sentence. Can we fix that in post-production, Jeffrey?
Mastering Engineer: Why should this week be any different?
Producer: All right, people. That's a wrap!
Technician: I'll bang out something we can post. Maybe an Eli story. I like making those up.
Producer: Thanks, Stephanie. It's a good thing he never reads his own blog--he might start looking for his imaginary family.
(lights turned out in production facility)
(sound of snoring).

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