Friday, June 17, 2005

Spouse's Guide to Father's Day

Well, this is awkward.

Some of you fathers have e-mailed me about Father's Day. It seems that your wives have "suggested" (demanded) activities that you are less than enthusiastic about. Since many women don't understand that the phrase "That sounds like fun" actually means "I'M IN HELL! I'M IN HELL!" I've agreed to offer, as a public service, this handy Spouse's Guide to Father's Day.

Please note that if you have additions to this guide, please e-mail me and I will include them. Anonymously, of course.

Here is a list of what NOT to ask your husband/father to do on Father's day.

Aromatherapy Session--Smells are therapy only if your nose is depressed.

The Ballet--We are only interested in seeing men jump around if other men are trying to stop them. No scoreboard, no sale.

A Candle Factory--The word "factory' intrigues us. Unfortunately, candles do not. You see romance. We see a fire hazard. When a house burns down because of candles, does the newspaper story ever describe them as "romantic"? I didn't think so.

Picking Wildflowers--We're not "pickers." We also don't want to pick berries. Or cotton. Churning butter and making cheese also fall into this category. Don't ask me why.

A Musical--Men do not burst into song, and we do not like seeing other people do so.

A Day Trip to Arts & Crafts Souvenir Town--Oh no. Live the dream. A two-hour drive and six hours walking around sixty-two "shoppes" filled with nearly-identical, overpriced crap. Here's a little-known fact: wooden knick-knacks and Precious Moments figurines actually numb our extremities.

A Restaurant--With the proper pre-screening, restaurants can be an excellent choice for Father's Day. To determine if we'll like a restaurant, count the silverware for each place setting. The ideal answer is three: one knife, one fork, one spoon (rarely used). Four is also allowed, if there are two knives. Five, though, is unacceptable, and six is right out. At a six restaurant, it takes the waiter longer to recite the specials than it takes you to eat them.

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