Monday, September 17, 2007

The Worst Movie Ever Made

Every six months or so, Eli 6.1 and I rent the worst movie ever made.

It's very rare that something qualifies in the "ever" category. This movie, though, stands like a champion.

I give you Kong--King of Atlantis.

It's a straight-to-video cartoon feature, and it's letterboxed. I have no idea why.

Here's the plot. Kong, who is not the original Kong but a DNA-replica enhanced with genetic material from a human teenager, is King of Kong Island. Through a staggering coincidence, though, Kong Island is located directly above the lost continent of Atlantis. When an ancient prophecy (you couldn't see that coming) is fulfilled, Atlantis starts rising, and Kong must decide whether to believe his human brother, a shaman, or evil Queen Reptillis, who wants to make him King of Atlantis for her own evil ends.

Add in a dream sequence, a solar eclipse, and tar pits. Spaceships. A cobra queen with boobies. Giant dinosaurs with armor. A skateboaring dude, always wearing a jersey with the number "7", whose name sounds suspicously like "Ten."

Kong and his human brother Jason also have a, um, "unique" bond. Through the magic of a Bluetooth headset, Jason can actually "cyber-link" with Kong and enter his brain.

Want more? It's a musical.

That's right--it's a musical, and all the songs have the extreme, aggrandized singing style better known in contemporary Disney cartoon features.

The movie begins with a crisis on Kong Island. The hot female Shaman "Lua" tells Kong that Atlantis has "awoken" and he must go with her to save the island. His human brother Jason tells him that Lua is wrong and he's needed for something that I've thankfully completely forgotten.

Lua starts crawling up Kong and singing. She is literally crawling up his leg.
Konggggg, don't listen to him, the boy is totally wrong
Your duty calllllls

Please listent to me
there's something happening
Can't you seeee

you protect the island life?
Now come with meeee

it's your responsibilityyyy

Decide now, decide nowwww
Just let your shaman be your guide
I'll show you howww
Decide now, decide nowwww
We'll show I am right
If you decide nowwwwww.

She sings in the entirely breathless, dramatic style of life-or-death of off-off-Broadway vanity productions.

But wait! Jason, his brother, has his own song, which he sings while climbing up Kong's other leg.
Kong, Kong, Kong
Just be your own man
don't let her push you around.
Stand your ground
You don't have to go
stay here with your bro.
Why can't you see
we have a job to do?
Stay here with me
You know how

Decide now, Decide now,
Just let your brother steer you right

I'll show you how
to decide now
She's not close like you and me
so decide now!

"You don't have to go/stay here with your bro." Truly, one of the greatest lines in the history of imagination.

So after they each sing individually, they have a duet as they continue to climb up Kong, who looks somewhat alarmed at this point, and frankly, who wouldn't be?

Kong, Kong, Kong
The protector must stay
Things are better this way!

Wrong wrong wrong!
She's totally blind

Stay here with your kind

Can't you see that you're listening to a fool?

She's just a girl, and giving orders isn't cool!

Yes, it's entirely epic. Here's some more sheer genius, at a moment when Jason is stuck in a tar pit, which turns out to be evil (that's right: evil tar. Of course, Jason should have known this, because just a few seconds earlier, he'd said There's something really, really strange about that tar.)

Jason winds up in the tar pit, of course, and as he's sinking, he realizes Kong can save him:
No time! I'm going to activate the cyber-link. Merger sequence, engage!

Here are a few more moments of dialogue brilliance:
You think being a shaman makes you better than the rest of us!
It's okay, bro, it's just an eclipse!
You've got to work on those dismounts, dude!
Gangway, lizard puss!

And my all-time favorite, one of the greatest lines in movie history:
I was so afraid of failing as a shaman that I could not see I was failing as a friend.

There's a snake-man whose name is "Syccaphys" (prounounced sick-a-fis). At one point, the evil cobra queen addresses him as "Lord Syccaphys," and I said "Lord, I'm sick of this, too." That became a running gag, so that character is now always referred to as "Lord Sick of This."

How does it end? Would I spoil the ending of this animated thrill-ride? I don't think so.

Eli loves this movie, and so do I. I assume that we're going to rent it every six months for the rest of our lives. I hope so, anyway.

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