Monday, March 16, 2009

Killzone 2: I Live For This Shit!

Not "I" as in "me," obviously.

No, I'm talking about the character in the opening mission cinematic, the 'roid rage teabagging subscriber to Balls Monthly. He's the one who says "I live for this shit!" He doesn't know what's about to happen, but by God, he's sure his dick is big enough to handle it.

Other witticisms include "that's one dead mother*ucker" and "YOU'RE cleaning that one up." It seems that the cleverness of men with large testicles knows no bounds. It's scrotum comedy with a vengeance, mother*ucker.

I played Killzone 2 for two hours. At that point, my I.Q. had dropped by 70 points and I had to pull out. [Insert your manly joke about "pulling out" here]

Was this the fault of the game? Not really. I'm not a big fan of the BSD genre ("big" and "swinging" are the first two words, and I'm sure you can get the third on your own). I get in that testosterone fog and after an hour or so, my manliness is exhausted. My Q-tip biceps just can't handle the flexing, bitches.

Killzone 2 is staggeringly proficient in a technical sense. There is no way that anyone could be disappointed by the graphics. The sound is spectacular. As a hardware demo, it's incredibly impressive.

As a game, well, I don't know. If you like Halo and Gears of War, then I think Killzone 2 is absolutely worth a look. If you enjoy games that basically consist of "Run from A to B and kill all the shit you see along the way, and that shit will respawn forever if you don't go forward," then this is a very solid entry into the canon.

I think I would have enjoyed this game much more twenty years ago. Today, though, I'm forty-seven, and I know guys who were Army Rangers. I know guys who have been in real wars. And none of them ever said "I live for this shit."

I would be very interested in seeing a BSD game that introduced some moral ambiguity, or unexpected and painful consequences. I'd love to see a game where you start off with balls in full swing, then slowly start to realize that--mother*ucker--you're on the wrong side.

That would be interesting.

Maybe Killzone 2 has all that complexity later in the story. Maybe all the big ball swinging is irony. Somehow, though, I doubt it.

I meant to make this longer, but I need to go pump some iron.

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