Thursday, May 14, 2009

An Actual Conversation

Gloria bought this soap about two weeks ago that produced the most painful shower I've ever taken. It had these "abrasive bits" in it, which were supposed to stimulate your skin, and if by stimulate they mean "make your entire body feel like it's bleeding" then I agree with them.

Strangely, though, after the pain stopped and the blood clotted, I realized that it felt kind of good.

I called Gloria this morning from work.

"Hello?" Gloria answered the phone.

"Hi, honey," I said. "Hey, I'm sorry that your deadly soap isn't in the dish."

"Deadly soap?"

"You know, the one made out of pumice and broken glass. I decided to use it this morning, because I thought if I screamed for five minutes it would really energize me. So I was in the shower and I'd finished using it, but I didn't want to carry it out after the shower, because then my hand would be soapy again, so I tried to pitch it out of the shower into your sink, which I did, and for a moment I thought it was going to leap out of the sink and actually land in the soap dish, which would have been the greatest moment of my life, but it missed the dish, and I forgot to pick it up off the counter."

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