Monday, May 31, 2021

Discoveries in the Console

I found this on a Post-it note in my car:
Once the awe is sanded away, you are left with the true nature of a thing. 

That Post-it note has been there for a year, at least. I mean, I have ideas--I'm just not very timely in using them. 

What struck me about this note is that when I was younger (man, how often do I start sentences with that now?), I never wanted to get past the awe. That was the fun part. Those were the people I wanted to hang out with, the ones where I never seemed to get past the awe. 

I wasn't interested in the true nature of things. Not in friendships, and certainly not in relationships. When the awe did wear away, it was time to go. 

I can't explain why I felt like that. Part of it was being absolutely incapable of understanding my own emotions, or spending any time even trying to unpack them. They just were, and I responded to them like Pavlov's dog, never trying to lean in a different direction, even slightly. 

Uncomfortable things, at all costs, were to be avoided. And going beyond the awe was uncomfortable.

Now, though, I've entered this weird reverse phase where I find the awe boring. Maybe that happens when it's all you want for a long time. 

Also, maybe that's a reflection of how I see myself now. I think I want to understand all of myself, not just the best bits (I have a few. Some of them are rarely on display). 

I wonder how this will affect my friendships and relationships going forward, because it's definitely going to be different. 

I'm happy to report that Eli 19.10 has never been enamored with awe. Good boy. 

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