Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Progress Marches On

It's another one of those announcements where I say "It's about time!" Here's the article link:

That's right. Hooters is coming to India.

'Hooters,' for our non-American readers, is a restaurant chain whose primary attraction is waitresses with large breasts packed into limits-of-physics-tight clothing. Think cantaloupes and trampolines and you'll get the right picture.

One of the very clever arm-farting quality 'inside jokes' of the Hooters chain is that the mascot is an owl with big eyes. See, it's funny because the O's are like big breasts, and the owl's eyes are positioned in the logo inside the O's in HOOTERS, so they're like nipples.

How positively titillating. And you thought sophistication was dead.

I don't know about you, but I don't eat at Hooter's. Those waitresses alarm me. I'm afraid that if one of their shirts has a loose seam, those breasts are going to burst out like inflatable life rafts. They're nose breakers.

Besides, I don't like mixing breasts and buffalo wings. It's awkward. I generally avoid situations where I might need to say "Excuse me, but could you please get your enormous boobage out of my nachos?"

I did find a few things out about Hooter's, though. Here's something from their website:
Claims that Hooters exploits attractive women are as ridiculous as saying the NFL exploits men who are big and fast. Hooters Girls have the same right to use their natural female sex appeal to earn a living as do super models Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell. To Hooters, the women's rights movement is important because it guarantees women have the right to choose their own careers, be it a Supreme Court Justice or Hooters Girl.

Hooters--a vanguard of the women's rights movement. I salute you, sirs. I'm sure there would have been maximum boobage on the march from Selma to Montgomery in 1965 if there had been a franchise nearby.

I'm not sure if India is ready for Hooter's, but I'm going to do my best to help out. Clearly, there has to be a new name for the Indian market, because the clever double entendre is lost in another language. However, I do have an alternative, one that gets right to the point.

स्तन और कढी.

As far as I can establish, that is Hindi for "Curry and Breasts."

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