Beauties and the BeastsHow do I miss hearing about these things?
I was vaguely aware that there was a television reality show called 'The Swan.' For all I knew, it could have been about waterfowl or vets. Much to my horror, I saw a promo for this show on Saturday. Ye gods!
Here's the setup for the show. Find a bunch of homely women with no self-esteem, perform an unlimited number of cosmetic surgeries on them, then have a beauty pageant.
Wow. Even I'm impressed.
It's on FOX, of course, home of such quality programming as The World's Longest Urinations Caught on Video and American Ho! Even so, I'm stunned by the depths to which 'network programming' can sink. Could it sink any farther?
Oh, I think it could. And in the spirit of community service, allow me to help.
Here's an idea. It's a variation of 'The Swan' called 'Beauties and the Beasts.' Here's the setup: find sixteen women with huge egos who desperately want cosmetic surgery.
By the way, 'egos' isn't a code-word for boobs. I really mean egos.
These women should cover the entire spectrum of beauty, from ultra-hot (but still not satisfied with their looks) to egads! That's important.
Now put them in a locked room, give them all baseball bats and tell them that the last four standing get all the surgery they want. And because this is reality television, they'll do it. They'll be entirely willing to beat each other up for tummy tucks and collagen injections.
That's so conceptually beautiful it almost makes me cry.
It's blockbuster reality television: twelve of the sixteen women are presumably going to look far worse after getting beaten with baseball bats by the other contestants. And no cosmetic surgery (or soup) for the losers.
So you have these epic television moments where the beautiful, self-obsessed blonde who just wanted some touchups done goes back home to meet her equally vain, investment-banking husband, Percival Wainwright III. The cameras follow closely behind as she opens the door of their summer home in the Hampton's, then focuses on Percival's reaction as he shouts "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?"
Don't tell me you're not watching that. I know you are.