Thursday, December 23, 2004

She Says What? I Said Texas

From the AP:
The first cloned-to-order pet sold in the United States is named Little Nicky, a 9-week-old kitten delivered to a Texas woman saddened by the loss of a cat she had owned for 17 years.

The kitten cost its owner $50,000 and was created from DNA from her beloved cat, named Nicky, who died last year.

"He is identical. His personality is the same," the owner, Julie, told The Associated Press in a telephone interview. Although she agreed to be photographed with her cat, she asked that her last name and hometown not be disclosed because she said she fears being targeted by groups opposed to cloning.

She fears being targeted by groups opposed to cloning? What about groups who are opposed to stupidity? They should all be picketing outside her house right now.

I was saddened today because I was stuck in traffic on the way home. I think I'll go spend 50K at Fry's. Yeehaw!

Actually, if somebody wants to spend $50,000 to clone her cat because she's sad, it's none of my business, although I'd like to point out that you can buy a lot of damn therapy for $50,000. However, then she says "He is identical. His personality is the same."

His personality? What? How many different personalities can cats have? Look, lady, cats have a grand total of five possible personalities:
1. The Great Satan. Hisses at everybody. Pees on everything you own. Craps in your shoe. Try to pet it and you'll pull back a bloody stump of a hand.
2. Valentino. Rubs against you constantly. Demands to sit in your lap. Sleeps on your stomach. Reminds you of the time you moved out of town to get away from that woman who wanted to marry you and said she didn't mind waiting. Forever.
3. The Flying Wallenda. Can scale any height. Athletic and absolutely fearless. Breaks one vase a week.
4. Garbo. Never comes out from under the bed. Often discussed but never seen. Has been in hiding since 1987.
5. Hedda Hopper. Never stops talking. Ever. Talking back just encourages it to talk more. Frequently Siamese. I dated a women like this once, and her cat was just like her. I gave my ears to an organ donor program with the stipulation that they be taken immediately.

Listen, Julie, personalities can't be cloned, and even if they could be, you wouldn't want any of these.

Or mine, for that matter.

Of course she lives in Texas. All crazy women live in Texas. If I hear a news story about the mom who hired a hit-man so her daughter could get on the cheerleading squad, or the mom who gave her daughter a boob job for a high school graduation present, or the wife who ran over her husband with a SUV (then drove back and forth to be sure she got him), I immediately think of one magical word: TEXAS.

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