Friday, January 21, 2005

Queer Plunge For The Straight Sponge

LOS ANGELES - Christian Conservative groups have issued a gay alert warning over a children's video starring SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney and a host of other cartoon favorites.

The wacky square yellow SpongeBob is one of the stars of a music video due to be sent to 61,000 U.S. schools in March. The makers — the nonprofit We Are Family Foundation — say the video is designed to encourage tolerance and diversity.

But at least two Christian activist groups say the innocent cartoon characters are being exploited to promote the acceptance of homosexuality.

"A short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality," wrote Ed Vitagliano in an article for the American Family Association.

That's pretty funny, Ed. Because he's a sponge, and he lives underwater, and you used the phrase "a short step beneath the surface." Stop it. You're killing me. In a labor camp.

Don't we all have better things to do than worry about how SpongeBob SquarePants gets his freak on? Do we really need to know if he listens to Barry White or The Village People?

Gay sneaks up on you, though. I'm heterosexual, but when I watch an episode of SpongeBob, it always makes me think "Man, being gay sounds like fun," and before you know it I'm just gaying along with the rest of the episode. Why, it makes me feel quite gay just to be typing "SpongeBob SquarePants" every few sentences.

Ed, I have some question about this "gay alert warning" you sent out. Do you talk with your cohorts and say things like "Do we need to go to Gaycon Five on this one?" or "We need to raise the Gay Threat Alert to Salmon from Mauve"? Is one of the alert levels "FABULOUS"? Do you have GAYDAR to detect any incoming homosexual hostiles?

What happens between two poriferans in the privacy of their own coral reef is no business of mine.

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