Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Gum Reporter

Eli 6.3 went with his mom to the mall last week to shop for clothes, and they shopped at "G-A-P" (which is what Eli calls it). While the route from A to B is not entirely clear, he somehow wound up in the display window with the mannequins.

You know what they say about "when in Rome."

So he froze. Then, every once in a while, he'd move when someone walked by. Which he did until a girl saw him and screamed.

Good times, good times.

We went to dinner last night at the Domain, and he described his day. "Dad, Gina tried TO KISS ME on the CHEEK in SCHOOL. Argghhh!" he said.

"That's a good problem to have," I said.

"WHAT? It's a TERRIBLE problem!"

"Would you rather have all the girls ignore you instead?"

He paused to think. "Okay, no," he said, then ducked his head under the table to change the subject. "There are two pieces of gum, and one of them is big," he said.

I'm not sure when this happened, but Eli's turned into a completionist when it comes to cataloging the amount of gum under any table where we happen to be sitting. He found a piece of gum a few months ago, and when I explained to him that people from Crazyville stuck their gum under tables in restaurants, it fascinated him. Now he's become The Gum Reporter. He says "There is NO gum under this table" with the gravitas of Walter Cronkite.

It is highly unlikely that I will ever use the word "gravitas" again. Don't give me shit about it.

Eli also successfully completed one of the great quests recently. He walked up to me, held up a paper with rows of marks on it, and said "Seventy-four."

"Seventy-four what?" I asked.

"Seventy-four licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop," he said. He held up the paper as proof. I only wish I'd scanned it so I had a copy.

Earlier this week, he walked in from school and said "Dad, can you give me some money? I'm jumping rope for heart attacks."

"Preventing them or causing them?" I asked.

"Preventing them for money," Gloria said. "He causes them for free."

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