Tiger Down, Tiger Down"Did you see that story about Tiger Woods?" Gloria asked. Since everyone on planet Earth knows about this already, I'll assume that you do, too, with apologies to our extraterrestrial readers.
"Tiger Woods has BROKEN MY HEART," I said.
"Oh, you mean the affair? I'm really disappointed, too," she said.
"No, not the affair, exactly," I said. "Tiger Woods is one of the coolest people in the world. If he's going to be in a sex scandal, it should be because his wife arranged a three-way with the second hottest women in the world. That is the only situation that could possibly live up to Tiger Woods standards."
Seriously, dude, having your wife go all Mike Tyson on your car with a golf club, causing you to drive over a fire hydrant and into a tree, has "hillbilly" written all over it. The only things missing are an aluminum softball bat instead of a golf club and an Oxycontin addiction.
Come on, man, you graduated from STANFORD. Step your game up.