Farewell, My LovelyDear B. Buy,
I must inform you with regret that I--oh, damn this awkward formality!
My beloved Bertha,
For the last two years, it's been a bad relationship. And really, I blame myself, because you've been giving me signals that could only be missed if I had willfully closed my eyes.
I'm needy, though, Bertha. I needed to be liked, and I needed you to like me.
I see now that you were doing everything you could to tell me. Look, I don't blame you for not wanting to be the bad guy. I've done that myself--just keep acting worse and worse until the other person thinks it's their idea to break up.
So I know now that when you were charging $30 for system updates to the PS3, you were really saying, "Stop loving me." When your in-store Best Buy website prices didn't match the actual prices of the real Best Buy website, you were trying to help me break away. You even held back $350 from my bank card since December 15, even though the product I pre-ordered wasn't supposed to ship until March 1.
Still, though, I hung on. I was just crazy enough to think it might still work.
Yesterday, even though I placed a pre-order for the Fender Squier RB3 controller on December 15th, you shipped orders that were ordered up to a week later instead, and left me waiting. I'm still waiting.
Tough love, Bertha. I respect you for that.
It took courage to decide that the only way you could make someone leave was to dick them around so badly that they finally walked away forever. I didn't think you could ever make me feel that way, Bertha, but you did. I won't ever stop by to visit you again.
Please keep all the things I gave you over the years. I don't want them back--it hurts too much. And give my regards to your brother G. Squad. He's a talented fellow.
I wish you good things, Bertha, only good things.