The Return
I gathered the family in the living room and unfolded a piece of paper."I have a short statement," I said. "Around a year ago at this time, Evan the Inappropriate Elf was murdered by a member of this family who need not be named--GLORIA. Tonight, though, a year later, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, Evan the Inappropriate Elf reclaims his place with the family he cherishes. I think I speak for all of us when I say 'Welcome home, Evan.'"
Then I unveiled this:
Eli 17.4 laid down on the rug and started pounding it with his fists when I got to "like a Phoenix rising", crying with laughter. When he could finally speak again, he said, "A statement. You wrote a statement," then seized up again. "And you undersold it," he said. "No hints. Nothing." Then he started laughing again. Gloria and I were laughing so hard we couldn't even talk.
Genuinely one of my favorite holiday moments ever.
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