This Certainly Came Out of Nowhere
Well.
One of the things that's happened after being in therapy and realizing I'm writing a book about myself, not a character I created, is that my emotions are opening up.
As an introvert, this is a difficult thing.
Being Eli's father started all this. I felt things I'd never felt for another person before, emotions that weren't filtered. That was a wonderful experience, and I still feel all those things when we talk, even though he's almost a man now.
I'd never been able to have those kinds of genuine feelings outside of being a father.
That doesn't mean that I didn't feel love for other people. I have felt much love, particularly for Gloria. But without realizing it, my introversion was a filter that made it hard for me to know what genuine really meant. There was always the slightest distance between me and what I felt, even in the best times.
If you're an introvert, you might understand what I mean.
Now that filter seems to have lifted, in a way I can't explain. And I have feelings that aren't distanced. They're not selfish or frightened or limited.
That was my stock in trade, and now it's gone.
I want to say I like it, but it's scary. I don't want to go back, though.
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