Monday, May 02, 2005

A Nice Smile

When Gloria and Eli 3.9 came back from his Kindermusik class on Thursday, Eli was very excited.

"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy, tell Daddy what happened!"

"Eli has a crush on someone," Gloria said.

"I took pictures of her!" Eli shouted. That's my little stalker. It was actually a tiny plastic toy about the size of a quarter that he got at Wendy's, but at least he's practicing for his adult years.

"A crush, huh?" I said to Gloria, as Eli ran upstairs. "So was she pretty?"

"She had a nice smile," Gloria said.

"What? She was fat!"

"What do you mean?" Gloria said quickly.

"That's the secret code! How did you get that?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Gloria said. Like that's anything new.

"If anybody asks a guy if a woman is attractive, and she isn't, he'll compliment a body part-- 'she has a great smile' or 'she has a beautiful face.' The uglier the woman, the more obscure the compliment--'she's really sweet' is a classic. And that "nice smile" phrase is specifically designated for referring to very large women.

"That's ridiculous," Gloria said.

"Is it?" I asked. "How big was she?"

"She was prety big," Gloria said. "Okay, she was huge."

"See? I told you. How did you know what to say? Did you steal our secret code wheel?"

"You are ridiculous," she said. "You don't even make any sense."

"I don't make any sense like a fox," I said.

This secret code language is used by women to describe men, but they use different phrases. Not that I have their secret code wheel or anything. I had "such a great personality," allegedly. That translates into "skinny as a straw and not a looker."

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