Friday, October 29, 2004

A Blizzard of Idiots, By Phone

The Presidential election is Tuesday, just in case you're wondering, and today I saw a line for absentee voting that poll workers estimated to be three hours long. Way to vote, people!

I'm not going to have a political rant in this space. Those of you who read carefully know who I voted for. I think most of you come here to get away from the real world, and I'm just as sick of this election as you are.

However, I am going to talk about the phone messages. For the last two days, we are getting carpet-bombed with pre-recorded messages from political candidates. They are uniformly idiotic, desperate, and annoying. This, then, is my revenge.

Hello. My name is Jackson Asshat, and I'm running for U.S. Representative in the newly created Three Blocks in Your Neighborhood Congressional District. My opponent, Pleghm Flam, recently annexed the Sudan. He denies it, but there's no denying thirty-nine million immigrants who have to wind up somewhere, and if he has his way, it'll be your front yard.

I say to you, Mr. Flam, stop being arrested for lewd acts with howler monkeys and take responsibility for your actions. Take your immigrant loving, monkey spanking monster mash and leave the good citizens of this congressional alone!

(announcer) Jackson Asshat: he hears voices, but only the ones you WANT him to hear.

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