Monday, November 22, 2004

Starry, Starry Night

We went to Home Depot on Saturday night to look for a new shower head.

Live the dream.

Home Depot has about a hundred different shower heads available, which are probably about ninety-eight more choices than anyone really needs. Plus we did this at 8:30. With Eli 3.3, by 8:30 we both feel like we've been up for a week. So we're both staring, bleary-eyed, at this massive array of shower heads, unable to process any information related to a purchase.

"Look," I say. "There's a picture of a very muscular arm holding that shower head. It must be a fine product."
"That's quite an arm," Gloria says. And it was.

In the end, the marquee arm loses out, though barely. Then Gloria wants to look for some obscure kind of Yugoslavian plant hook or something, and we can't find it, so we walk toward the registers to find some help.

Toward the front, we saw a constellation: twin planets, orbited by twin moons. In other words, a blonde with maximum boobage and two young male Home Depot employees.

She was wearing a scoop top. I think they're called 'scoop tops' because it looks like you could just reach in there and scoop out her--well, you know. Somebody get me a waffle cone--stat.

These guys were hypnotized. She was older and had a big rock on her hand, but she was still enjoying the flirting enormously, and so were her enormosities. We stood there for several minutes and the guys didn't look our way for even a split-second.

I finally tug on Gloria's hand and we walk off. "I can't believe that," Gloria says. "They didn't even look at us, let alone ask us what we needed. How did she need that much help?"
"Well, maybe they thought she needed one employee assisting each boob. Or maybe they were astronomy buffs."
"Astronomy buffs? What are you talking about?" Gloria asks.
"Didn't you see the Areola Borealis?"

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