Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Something to Crow About, or Ruling the Roost

Listen, there's just no way I could make this stuff up (

OKLAHOMA CITY - An Oklahoma state senator hopes to revive cockfighting in the state by putting tiny boxing gloves on the roosters instead of razors.

The Oklahoma Legislature outlawed the blood sport in 2002 because of its cruelty to the roosters, which are slashed and pecked to death while human spectators bet on the outcome. But Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, a long-time defender of cockfighting, said the ban had wiped out a $100 million business.

To revive it, he has proposed that roosters wear little boxing gloves attached to their spurs, as well as lightweight, chicken-size vests configured with electronic sensors to record hits and help keep score.

“It’s like the fencing that you see on the Olympics, you know, where they have little balls on the ends of the swords and the fencers wear vests,” Shurden said. “That’s the same application that would be applied to the roosters.”

After Senator Shurden made his proposal, he fell immediately to the floor and wet himself.

Okay, I did make up that last line.

Just exactly whose little balls are we talking about here?

State Senator Shurden, you clearly have a great love and respect for roosters, since you are such a tremendous fan of watching them rip each other to shreds. And this is breaking my heart, sir, but roosters cannot become boxers. Didn't you watch Rocky? If they were boxers, what animal would they chase while they were training to improve their quickness?

Besides, the damned meddlers would ruin this, too. First they'd want the roosters to have headgear, then mandatory eight counts and the three-knockdown rule. Before long, they'd want pre-fight medical examinations and CAT Scans--the irony--to find roosters with pugilistic dementia. Because if they got hit in the head too many times, they'd start walking around like chickens with their heads--well, you get the picture.

Sure, this rooster boxing proposal isn't going to fly, but it was sheer brilliance. Don't brood over it. Now go spackle that gigantic hole on the side of your head and work on your next bit of legislative genius.

It will feather your nest, I'm sure.

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