Birthday, Basketball, Pizza
My birthday is on Monday. This is a special birthday that only happens once every seven years, because it's the day of the NCAA Basketball Championship. That's been my birthday weekend for about twenty-five years--watch the Final Four, eat pizza, and just enjoy the games.It took Gloria about eight years to understand this. She thought when I said that I just wanted to hang out and watch the games and eat pizza, I really meant that I secretly wanted some kind of enormous birthday production. A few years ago, though, she finally realized that I'm far too stupid to secretly want anything. So now we hang out and watch the games and eat pizza, and I really, really enjoy it.
Unlike last weekend, though, where I was fortunate enough to see them in person, I'll be watching them on television. With announcers.
I've decided that color commentators (normally, games have a play-by-play guy and a color commentator) for college basketball fall into two general categories: bootlicking shill, or barking circus freak. Billy Packer is in the first category. If a college coach had a team in the Sweet Sixteen, seven felonies on his rap sheet, and an outstanding warrant for his arrest for assaulting an old woman in a church, Packer would talk about how he was a great story because he had "overcome adversity." If a coach's defensive strategy involved positioning his entire team at the snack bar and the opponent scored threee hundred points, Packer would lament that the "young kids" just couldn't execute their coach's brilliant strategy.
It's really kind of revolting.
What may be even worse, though, are the circus freaks. Dick Vitale and Bill Raftery. I'm not even sure they're human--they growl, shriek, and bark, then shout a signature catch-phrase like "THE KISS!" every thirty seconds. Their speaking style is far more closely associated with parrots than humans. A psychologist listening to a tape of their bizarre performance might well decide that they needed immediate hospitalization. And maybe they do.
So one of this weekend's goals is to reduce the volume on the center channel of the speaker system to such a degree that I can only hear the crowd.
And don't forget about Michigan State. I know that everyone is in love with North Carolina, and they have thirty future NBA Hall of Famers on their team and whatnot, but I saw Michigan St. in person and I tell you they are unbelievably tenacious. The first ten players on the team will kick your ass and then write their name on your bare chest with a permanent marker.
<< Home