Thursday, July 21, 2005

Dear EA Sports

To: Executive Producer, NCAA 2006
Re: It’s in the game—now how do I get it out?

Dear Sir or Madam,
After having spent some considerable time in the last week playing NCAA 2006, I come to you for help. This year, something new is in the game.


This is a feature “set” I was not expecting.

I understand that men frequently remove their shirts at football games, and I understand that “If it’s in the game, it’s in the game” (except for A.I., obviously), but seeing a half-naked Chippendales dancer wearing a cowboy hat in a cut scene makes me long for the days before that slogan existed. I expect the fan next to him to hold up a sign saying “HE’S TOO SEXY FOR HIS SHIRT.” I find myself longing for November (and colder weather) to arrive on the schedule, so that I don’t have to see any more digital man-nipples.

I’m sure you’re aware of the dust-up with Take-Two and the ESRB over the “hot coffee” mod, where graphic sexual content is unlocked via a code. What I’m desperately hoping for, in this case, is the existence of a “cold coffee” mod, where man-boobies and nipples can actually be covered up with a code. I’ll be more than happy to buy an Action Replay unit if necessary.

Also, allow me to suggest that a “man-boobies” option be added under the Presentation section of the settings. I will, as you might well imagine, be turning this feature “off.”

In the meantime, I will content myself with the create-a-sign option. My favorites include “SKIN TO WIN”, “867-5309”, “HE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE”, and “WHERE’S THE BEEF? RIGHT NEXT DOOR!”

Thank you for your time, and I eagerly await your replay.

Yours Sincerely,
Leonard Dubious

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