Friday, November 18, 2005

Pwning Peace

So I'm reading an article about Stanley Williams on MSNBC and I see this paragraph:
In prison, Williams has gained international acclaim for writing children’s books about the dangers of gang life. He has been nominated repeatedly for the Nobel Peace Prize. (In truth, anyone can nominate anyone.)

What? Anyone can nominate anyone for the Nobel Peace Prize?


Or maybe this t-shirt: "I PWN PEACE, BITCHES."

In truth, though, I think I'm qualified. Here's how I'll answer the essay question on the application:
I write about my ass, and no matter your color or ethnicity, you have one, too. It's a simple metaphor for the human condition, and through my plain-speaking buttocks tales, I break down the barriers that separate us. I bring people together with my ass.

That's a winner if I ever saw one. And even if I don't quite win, I can still receive the coveted prize awarded to every Nobel Peace Prize nominee: a letter jacket.

What? Nobel Peace Prize nominees don't get a letter jacket? Well, that's their problem, because this nominee is getting one. It will say "NOBEL PEACE PRIZE NOMINEE" in giant letters on the back, and I'll have patches on the sleeves for each year I was nominated. I'll always wear it when I go to the mall, and if I'm lucky, I'll get to have this conversation:
"Excuse me." A stranger stops me.

"Yes?" I'm all calm and serene and shit, since I'm a Nobel Peace Prize nominee.

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Not at all," I'll say.

"I see that you're wearing a Nobel Peace Prize letter jacket. They give out letter jackets for that?"

"They do. Every nominee receives one. I've seen Nelson Mandela's hanging in his closet. He doesn't wear it anymore because the sleeve is torn."

"So what were you nominated for?"

"Um, peace? I mean, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but duh."


"Here's how you can tell: the peace nominee jackets are blue. The war nominees are red."

"There are Nobel War Prize nominees?"

"Oh, yeah. And we're kicking ass in that."

"So I see quite a few patches on your sleeves from different years. Have you ever won?"

"I can generally win my district, but then I hit Gandhi or Mandella in regionals and I just don't have the chops to compete with those guys. Well, I made it to the regional finals once, but Mother Teresa was a freaking buzzsaw, man. That chick can really peace."

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