Friday, July 21, 2006

The Art of The Lazy

From frequent correspondent and Fitness Director Doug Walsh:
I think I have a new entry in the “I’m so lazy…” contest.

It dawned on me today that I’ve spent the past year trying to outrun my garage door while it closes. I ready myself on the step near the inside door to the house like a sprinter crouching into the blocks. A quick glance to make sure the neighbors aren’t outside, then I’m off! I slap the button on the wall of the garage and take a few lengthy strides towards the garage door as it makes its slow descent into the decapitation zone. I draw close to the outside world and carefully leap over the invisible object-detecting laser set three inches off the ground. As I leap, I hunch over as far as I can to avoid slamming my head on the closing garage door.

I’ve done this for over a year now. And in doing so, I’ve banged my head twice, slipped and fell several times, and tripped the laser and had to repeat the process a dozen or more times. And I’ve been laughed at by the neighbors at least once (probably daily from behind their windows).

But I have it down to a science now. I know to pre-place my coffee mug on the hood of the car outside the garage before I attempt a run, and I also know that it’s safer to go barefoot sometimes depending on the shoes I’m wearing that day. I also know to lower my angle of trajectory during the coup-de-grace moment, as leaping straight up into a closing garage door doesn’t tickle, I can assure you.

And why do I do this? Because the battery in the garage door clicker died…. Sometime early last summer.

My feet were cold yesterday and I went upstairs and saw a single sock in the sock basket. I had matching pairs available, but I took the single because I thought the other one was downstairs in my study.

Well, it wasn't. I had one sock and two cold feet, but to get another sock I'd have to go back upstairs. So I spent the next three hours switching the sock from left foot to right foot every thirty minutes.

If you want to be lazy, you can't just be half-assed about it. Well, actually you can. It's sort of implied, really.

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