Wednesday, February 14, 2007

A Clerk Too Far

We went to the mall yesterday to shop for a Valentine's Day gift for Gloria.

I'm not a shopper, but I like shopping with Eli 5.6. I know, you don't expect a five-year old to be capable of being fun in that situation, but we're laughing most of the time. We looked in stores for two hours solid and he never complained once.

We went to Dillard's, and as we were looking for jackets, we wound up in the lingerie department, which was huge. Eli looked up and said "Argghh! Women's underpanties! Let's get out of here!" So we did, walking as fast as we could.

We were still looking for the jackets when we saw a beautiful dress. "Dad, look at that dress," Eli said. It was black and so well designed that it even made the headless dummy wearing it look hot.

"Dude, I don't know," I said. "I think you can only wear that dress if you're headless. The dresses for women with heads are on the first floor."

"They make dresses for women WITHOUT HEADS?" Eli asked.

"Of course they do," I said. "Otherwise, what would headless women have to wear?"

We decided to get the dress for Gloria, but the only size they had on the rack was walrus. The dress on the dummy was an extra small, but it was the only one.

Someone was going to have to undress the dummy.

We found a lady about thirty-two departments over to help us. All these big department stores in malls have turned into ghost towns. They have millions and millions of dollars in merchandise, but almost no one on the floor to help you.

This lady, I'm guessing, was in her late fifties, and she had blonde hair. She was nicely dressed and wore makeup, but she had kind of a rough edge about her, like she knew how to handle a pool cue in a bar fight. Amiable, though.

She took the dress off the dummy, and Eli started laughing. "Dude, that dummy is NAKED," I said," and he started giggling. Then he ran around to the BACK of the dummy. "He had to see her butt," I said.

"Little boys," she said. "Yes, she has a crack," she said to Eli.


"Please note that she has only one orifice," she said to me.


"She doesn't have one in front where he could stick a finger in," she said.

Welcome to Spectacularly Inappropriate Comments From a Retail Clerk, Episode I.

Here are the first few thoughts that came into my head.
1. How clever. Please excuse me while I kill myself.
2. Do you have an icepick behind the register? I'd like to gouge out my ears.
3. If you say the word "dildo" in the next ten seconds I'm going to start shrieking like a frightened little schoolgirl.

We bought the dress and got out of there. I didn't ask her what she was getting for Valentine's Day.

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