Why You Should Never Go Out With Me
Gloria was looking at a menu on Saturday night when she started coughing. She kept coughing and couldn't get her breath, although she signaled to me that she was okay.The waitress walked up and Gloria was still coughing. "She'll have the Choker's Special," I said.
Later, when Gloria's meal arrived at the table, I saw that she ordered shrimp. "Why do restaurants think it's okay to serve shrimp in their skeleton?"
"Exoskeleton, actually," Gloria said.
"Same point," I said. "I don't want to field dress my dinner. And what is it about sea creatures? Fish, crab, lobster..."
"Chicken, turkey--" Gloria said.
"Oh, good point," I said. "There are carcasses all over."
Gloria is chronically concerned about her weight, even though she's 5'5" and always within a few pounds of 105. "Good grief," I said. "You're going to be the thinnest woman at Eli's party on Sunday."
"Sandy is thinner than I am," she said.
"No, she's not," I said. "She's 5'9" and I'm sure she weighs 135."
"That's thinner," Gloria said.
"She's four inches taller than you and weighs 30 more pounds," I said. "That's seven and a half extra pounds per inch. At that ratio, a five-foot tall woman would weigh 450 pounds."
"I still think she's thinner," Gloria said.
"Somewhere out there, there's a 420 pound woman who would disagree with you," I said.
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