Splitting (Ass)HairsPete Johnsen is a very funny guy.
In your column "Boom", you reference the unit of measurement "gigantic ass ton". As an amateur grammarian I must politely correct you. The correct phrase is "metric ass ton"--please see the Urban Dictionary entry.
"Gigantic ass ton" is repetitive in the same way as "pizza pie."
And metric ass ton is quite possibly my favorite phrase ever.
Stephanie Assham definitely deserves to be mentioned at this point.