Thursday, April 19, 2012


That would be penis, vagina, penis.

Eli 10.8 is tired. He's been tired for about 3-4 weeks. Now, it's true that with Eli, "tired" is a relative term. For example, he scored two goals and had an assist in his soccer scrimmage Tuesday, then he went directly to hockey practice and had 70+ saves in one hour of 3-on-3.

He was, however, tired the whole time. And he's really been dragging in soccer games, with almost none of his regular energy. Gloria took him to the doctor on Wednesday, and he had blood drawn today, just to make sure that nothing is out of sorts (I think our general consensus is anemia, but that's just speculation).

We play tennis every Friday, and we go at it pretty hard, but last Friday, we only played for about 30 minutes. Eli was just dead tired, he wasn't enjoying himself, and we decided to quit and do something else that would be more fun. In the car, I started talking.

"Hey, if you don't feel better by early next week, I think you should go to the doctor," I said. "It's probably nothing, but it would be nice to make sure."

"Could it be serious?" he asked.

"I doubt it," I said. "Although it could be E.O.P.D.S."


"Early Onset Penis Dropoff Syndrome," I said.

"WHAT?" I snuck a peek into the backseat and he was laughing so hard that he'd turned sideways. "DAD! OH MY GOD!"

"You didn't know about this?" I asked.

"Oh, COME ON," he said.

"Your baby penis is like your baby teeth," I said. "You get to a certain age, and it drops off. Then, your adult penis grows in."

"This is not happening," he said. "NOT REAL."

"Then you put it under your pillow and the Penis Fairy gives you money," I said. "You don't want to know what her hat looks like."

He was laughing so hard that he could barely breathe. "You are ridiculous," he said between gasps.

"I just want you to have all the facts," I said.

That's the "P".

Last night, the three of us were watching hockey together. Sort of.

"Trying to watch hockey here," I said. Eli had been talking nonstop for about 20 minutes.

"Sor-r-r-y," he said.

"Hockey talk is fine," I said. "Elfen castles and tunnels across Alaska are not." Gloria started laughing, because Eli will talk about anything once he gets started.

Silence for ten seconds.

"In health class, now we're talking about the 'female organs'," Eli said. "Oh my God-- it's so embarrassing."

"Are there girls in your health class?" I asked.

"No," he said, "but it's still embarrassing, even with just boys. And we can't giggle when they show us stuff. No giggling." He paused. "And tomorrow, we have to color in A VAGINA."

"So this was kind of my point," I said.


"I'm trying to watch hockey, and the conversation is about--vaginas." Gloria and Eli both started laughing.

"Honey, I'm sure the girls are embarrassed, too," Gloria said. "They probably have to color in a penis."

"Outstanding," I said. "Now we're talking about vaginas AND penises."

There's the "V" and the "P".

By the way, Eli was watching a commercial last night, and when he saw a woman wearing a very unattractive dress, he said, "That dress is HEINOUS." He paused. "Is 'heinous' a combination of 'hideous' and 'anus'?"

"It is now," I said.

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