Monday, October 30, 2017

The Craftening

A text: I had to go to a Joann's. Pretty sure I have PTSD. 

Joann's is a huge craft store. This is the story.

Eli 16.2 came home from practice Thursday night and showed me where one of the "thingies" his suspenders attach to on his goalie pants had broken off. 6'0" and "140 pounds of fury" (as he likes to call it) means that goalie pants won't stay up without suspenders.

He had games coming up in Detroit last weekend, so they had to be fixed.

I went to the local pro shop (his son plays on Eli's team. Great kid, great dad, great family), and sought advice from a guru. He told me to keep it simple, get a button about the same size, and sew it on. Attach the suspenders to the button.

Good advice.

So I went to Joann's.

I anticipated receiving help from an elderly, Hobbit-like woman who had infinite patience and time to assist me as she looked over her bifocals with a twinkle in her eye. It would be pleasant, and relaxing.

Instead, I walked into the crafting version of The Purge.

There were woman everywhere, traveling at mall walker speed, holding bolts of fabric over their heads like medieval flails. They shouted to each other. Battle commands, I assumed.

There were numbers to take, and I took number ten. Perhaps I would be asked to join a legion.

When my number was called, I stepped up and explained my problem. She said, "*$&%*$*$**@&*#**@(#*$&%&%&$&&." All sewing terms.

I wanted to say "I literally have no idea what any of those words mean." 

After her stint as Charlie Brown's teacher, she pointed to a corner.

I wanted to say "There are approximately 172,000 items between where we're standing and where you're pointing. What are the odds?"

I said none of the things I wanted to say. Instead, I walked vaguely in the direction she pointed and fell into a dark pit of despair.

I remembered something about pants buttons, maybe from a recent fever dream, and incredibly, I found them.

Or, rather, I found their space. They were out of stock.

I did buy some buttons, after joining the longest register line I've seen in a decade. Where did these people come from? Why were they buying all these things? Is this The Craftening?

Final answer: upholstery needle. Button similar in size to the lost piece. 30 lb. test, braided fishing line for thread.

Inner calm: forever lost.

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