Monday, April 23, 2018

Personality Revealed

We have indoor cats. The neighbors have an outdoor cat.

"Sometimes I see Henry sitting in the yard and I think about how nice it would be to be an outdoor cat," Gloria said. "Warm sun, soft grass, kind of sleepy."

"Are you kidding?" I asked. "If I'm an outdoor cat sitting in a yard, all I'm doing is wondering when a dog will come by and wreck my shit. Because I know it's gonna happen. I'll be half asleep, sprawled out--OH SHIT, GOTTA GO!"

"But cats are fast," she protested. "I see them outrun dogs all the time."

"Do you know how many races you can lose as a cat?" I ask.

"How many?"

"Zero," I said. "Tight hamstring, a little groin pull, maybe just ate treats--boom, your shit is wrecked."

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