Thursday, March 07, 2019

Villain, Denied

I have a list of topics, and they're all depressing as hell. So instead, let's talk about super villains.

Eli 17.7 has mentioned over the years that I'd make a terrific villain. I'm thorough. Organized. I know how to plan, and to execute that plan. I would not make amateur mistakes like telling the hero my life story and every detail of my plan before I sent him to his death.


It's not you, it's me, I'd say to the superheroes as I sent them away, dejected. The ones I didn't kill, anyway.

Plenty of autonomy (I'd like that). Growth opportunities (seriously, look at the world right now--villains are doing great!).

One thing, though, would stop me.

Not moral qualms. Not the workload. Not staffing issues.

The reno. The reno would kill me.

Think about it. A high-end villain needs an evil lair. Instant credibility with one, and reeking of poser wannabe without one.

It's got to be big, too. Basements are out. Even McMansions, because 4,000 square feet just isn't much room after you bring in all the terrifying equipment and staff.

Plus, what kind of layout? Open floor plan? A castle? Backsplash tile in the kitchen? All questions that need to be answered.

10,000 feet would probably be adequate in terms of regional villain credibility. That's enough for me. I don't want to chase worldwide status. The email alone would kill me.

Here's where it all breaks down, though. Buy that 10,000 square foot dream lair, and realize immediately how much renovation it needs. I mean, you're not going to buy an evil lair and let it be the vision of the villain that preceded you, right?

Your vision. And that means years of renovation.

Construction crews all over. Constant noise. Power outages. I wouldn't be able to keep my enthusiasm for evil while I decided if the blinds should be fabric or wood slats. 

You have to love what you do.

Plus, there are health and safety issues. Cape closet? Don't need that, because I'm not one of those idiot villains who wears a cape that causes their death. Narrow stairs? I'm not going to fall down a sixty-foot staircase because I was too cheap to have stairs safely sized.

An evil villain apartment, in a new building. That sounds promising.

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