Monday, August 23, 2021

Assembly Fear And Trembling

Uncredited Delivery Driver #2 dropped off three large boxes on Saturday. Inside was the Ikea MALM bed frame, unassembled. 

I opened the boxes, unaware of the evil lurking within. 

A good indicator of the the amount of hell an assembly will require is the number of items in the "little pieces" box. 

In this case, there were two little boxes, with approximately 150+ pieces. Little ones, obviously. 

If you're thinking this sounds more like a LEGO set, well, you're right, if the LEGO set also included enormously heavy, large pieces of lumber. 

This was my fundamental error: bed frames are heavy. I somehow did not feed this variable into the equation I call Do I Actually Want To Do This?

The default answer to this, in case you're wondering, is "no." 

Inexplicably, I ignored the default in this case. It was a regrettable decision. 

It's hard to describe what I went through in seven hours over two days. You know how you go to a Lakota Sweat Lodge and you black out at some point? 

Yeah, it was like that. 

In my case, it wasn't copious sweating and the resulting dehydration that made it happen. It was more the thousands of movements my body went through. The lifting, the pushing, the twisting.

The twisting, oh God, so much twisting with a screwdriver.

Improbably, I did somehow put it together (with your help at a critical juncture), and it's even correct. Allegedly. Here:

Why do I have llamas on my bed? I feel like every right-thinking person has llamas on their bed. I will brook no disagreement. 

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