Friday, August 13, 2004

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Sir,
I am writing you in hopes that you are the author of the instruction manual for the 'Jump Zone Junior Trampoline,' a children's toy that was given to my son for his third birthday.

I just finished assembling this device, and I would like to plainly say that if I ever see you in public, sir, I will kill you. At my trial, each juror will be asked to assemble a Jump Zone Junior Trampoline using your printed instructions. When they are done, not only will I not be convicted, but I will be welcomed--no, adored--as a conquering hero. The jury foreman will press her house key into my hand and weep when I never arrive to fill her with my heroic seed. I will pose for photos with the jury, and in future years I will receive Christmas cards from every man jack of them. Several will remember me, and generously, in their wills.

I must also tell you that I have no experience, as yet, in killing people. I do not own a gun and have no knowledge of any lethal hand-to-hand combat techniques. I also am unfamiliar with poison or drugs and their potentially deadly effects. I do, however, own a car, and I believe that simply running over you, then backing up and going forward several times should be successful.

I do have one question for you: are you a Communist or some kind of social agitator? If so, sir, I must congratulate you. If a Jump Zone Junior Trampoline was given to every man in America along with a copy of your instructions, there would be fighting in the streets before nightfall, and fires would rage shortly thereafter. I am reporting you immediately to Homeland Security as a dangerous threat to our nation.

As one note of thanks, I will mention that your instructions to stretch a thick bungee cord around the frame at tensions that would buckle steel gave me the best workout of my life--the size of my arms grew by over three inches. It's a shame that I can no longer lift them.

In closing, sir, I look forward to meeting you in person.
Bill Harris

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