Madden: The Big Meeting
An anonymous source sent me an audio tape of an EA executive meeting concerning Madden 2005 sales and the future course of the franchise.I know you're not surprised.
Jerry Bonus, Nathan Commission, Jim Options, and Dan (last name unknown) are all EA vice-presidents. The transcript begins as the meeting opens.
Jerry: Gentlemen, let's review the sales number.
Nathan: Outstanding, I'm sure.
Jim: The big dog's gotta eat. Woof-woof!
Jerry: Last year, Madden sold five million units. ESPN sold less than half a million.
Dan: Woot!
Jim: I see an ass--I think I'll kick it.
Jerry: This year, through November, Madden's sold three million units. ESPN has sold over two million.
Nathan: WHAT?
Jim: Dan, my leg's wet. Tell me you spilled a drink.
Dan: I don't HAVE a drink, Jim. Christ, did you have asparagus for lunch?
Jerry: All right, all right, let's not panic. I arranged to have the development team come in for a talk.
(Rush, Hurry, Careless and The Duke file in)
Jerry: We want your input on why Madden sales are flat this year.
Rush: We sucked ASS this year.
Hurry: MAJOR ass.
Careless: Did you see the quarterback in the console version? Dude would face backwards, then turn and fling the ball downfield.
Rush: I knew a kid in third grade who did that, but only after he got hit by a car.
Jerrry: What about online leagues?
Hurry: We have online leagues?
Careless: We're all in the same ESPN league, Mr. Thompson. Hey Rush, I rocked your world last night, man!
(Careless and Rush high-fivej)
Jerry: Do you mean you aren't even PLAYING Madden?
Rush: Dude, you pay us to MAKE it, not to PLAY it. Leagues in ESPN absolutely RULE. I only play Madden if I can't sleep. I haven't needed one pill all fall.
The Duke: I wandered lonely as a cloud.
Jerry: Who is that kid? Why is he wearing a cape?
Hurry: That's the Duke. He's the CEO's nephew.
The Duke: When all at once I saw a crowd, a host, of golden daffodils.
Jerry: What the hell is he doing?
Careless: He thinks he's William Wordsmith.
Rush: Wordsworth.
Careless: Whatever, gay poetry dude.
The Duke: Ten thousand I saw at a glance, tossing their heads in a sprightly dance.
Jerry: Where does he work?
Rush, Careless, Hurry: QUALITY ASSURANCE.
The Duke: And then my heart with pleasure fills, and dances with the daffodils.
Jerry: You can all go now. Thanks for coming.
Jim: Don't touch the executive snack trays on your way out.
(the developers file out)
Jerry: Ideas? Anyone?
Dan: Why don't we just make the game better?
(raucous laughter)
Nathan: Dan, you kill me! You are the funniest man alive.
Dan: Thanks--I'll be appearing here all week.
Nathan: Come on. Making it better is HARD. We'd have to make a list of everything that doesn't work, then pay one of those developer guys to fix it.
Dan: Screw that.
Jim: Can't we just make them work forty more hours a week and not pay them?
Jerry: Not anymore. Class action suit.
Jim: Damn.
Dan: Maybe we should just increase the budget.
(more laughter)
Nathan: There he goes again!
Jerry: Let me explain some basic business to you. MAKING games is an EXPENSE. SELLING games is REVENUE. We want to SELL games--any money we spend actually MAKING games hurts our bottom line, and our stock price.
Nathan: And our options package.
Jerry: Exactly. What we need is a way to ship the same weak, tired-ass shit we've been shipping.
Dan: Conundrum.
Nathan: What?
Dan: Word of the day.
Jerry: I got it! We don't have to improve OUR game. We can just kill THEIR game!
Nathan: Genius.
Jerry: We'll buy exclusive rights to the real players and stadiums.
Dan: It worked with NASCAR and FIFA.
Jim: Hell, we can RAISE the price for the same old shit!
Jerry: Plus, if we kill Sega's game, maybe we can hire some of those developers from Visual Concepts.
Nathan: Yeah, because those guys have MAJOR talent.
Dan: Word.
Jim: I'm going to go change my pants.
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