Friday, March 04, 2005

Keeping You Abreast of the News

Well, it's come to this.

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Giving new meaning to the term "big news," a famous stripper is selling an oversized breast [implant] on eBay...

Measuring a full 69HH, Tawny Peaks once had just about the biggest breasts around. But when the orbs became the subject of a 1998 lawsuit, they grew even larger than life.

Peaks was a dancer at the Diamond Dolls nightclub in Clearwater, Florida. While at a bachelor party there, a patron claimed he was given a whiplash injury by Peaks, who had been swinging her breasts across his face at the time.

He said they were "like two cement blocks," according to Reuters.

The suit attracted national attention, and was finally settled by former New York mayor Ed Koch, ruling in a binding arbitration decision on "The People's Court" TV show.

After a female bailiff examined Peaks, Koch ruled that the breasts were, in fact, just breasts -- too soft to be capable of inflicting harm. No damages were awarded.

Where to begin? I feel like Willy Wonka in a field of chocolate.

First off, she once had "just about" the biggest breasts around? 69HH? Did each breast have its own handler?

If you're wondering how large 69HH breasts are, my crack research staff has determined that they're larger than a Camry but smaller than a mini-van.

I am absolutely sure that the guy who wrote this story has been waiting fifteen years for the chance to refer to breasts as "orbs." That's why he majored in journalism.

Then there's the whole question of the lawsuit. A patron claimed that he suffered whiplash while Ms. Peaks was swinging her breasts back and forth across his face.

I can't get a young Don Knotts out of my head at this point. I just can't.

In the lawsuit, a female bailiff apparently touched the deadly weapons in question and found them to be soft.

This is why you need professional representation. Mall Attorney Jugs N. Knockers would have pointed out that while water is "soft" in a glass, it feels like concrete if you're water-skiing at high speed and wipe out. So unless boobage velocity could be accurately determined for the accident in question, their safety at rest means absolutely nothing.

Your Honor.

Site Meter