Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Undead: Hubie Brown Edition

For many years, Hubie Brown was a professional basketball coach. His face aged the way faces do, and since he’s nearly seventy now, “weathered” was a good description.

Now he’s a basketball commentator and he’s had some work done. His cheeks are stretched so tight they look disturbingly like snare drums—and that’s the good news.

Let me give any of you who are considering cosmetic surgery an important piece of advice: tell the surgeon that you do not want to look like the undead. Sure, that sounds obvious, but Hubie Brown clearly didn’t do this, because he looks like he could star in a Dracula remake. It’s freaky. If I’m Tim Duncan, I don’t let him get within twenty feet of me for an interview, because I’ll be talking about how great it feels to win a championship just as he sinks his teeth into my neck.

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