Warning: This Take is Graphic in Nature and Involves Both My Ass and My Doctor's Finger
I had my annual physical today. I don't know about you, but that's a real highlight on my calendar, because nothing says holiday like my doctor sticking his finger up my ass.Sure, it may be called a "prostate exam," but that that's like calling a supernova a "galactic event." It doesn't begin to describe what's really happening.
For those of you who haven't had the delightful experience, I'm sure you're thinking: it can't be that bad. Spoken like someone who's never had their doctor's finger up their ass, I say.
Here's the problem. My ass is not an I/O device. It's an O device--output only. There is no "I" in ass.
And my doctor doesn't use a finger. He uses a HERD of STAMPEDING WILD ELEPHANTS. While they're filming an episode of Wild Kingdom up my ass, I'm not having the best day of my life.
Then, for the rest of the day, you feel all funky back there, and every time you take a step, you get memories of the wild elephant herd. Good times.
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