Ask Mr. Avacado
This delightful fellow is available for viewing at the Chipotle Grill website--just take the "Eat" option off the worst opening menu in the world, then if the avocado shows up, click on the pit.Seriously, do you think I could even make this up?
Well, it took some serious negotiating by Stephanie Dubious-Assham, but he's agreed to answer a few questions from readers.
Dear Mr. Avocado,
I never know how to address people this time of year when I want to give a seasonal greeting. Should I say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays"?
Sincerely,
Barb Banal
Lady, I'm an AVOCADO PIT. Pardon me for not brushing up on my holiday etiquette--I'm more concerned with minor details like NOT HAVING ANY GODDAMN ARMS.
My name is Larry Avocado Pitts, and it's pronounced a-VOC-a-do. It's not "Mr. Avocado." So if you want to give me a seasonal greeting, just say "I promise I'll learn your name before I ask any more stupid damn questions."
Dear Mr. Avocado,
My husband's family is coming over for Christmas dinner this year, and I want everything to be perfect. Do you have any suggestions for cooking the holiday turkey?
Hopeful,
Clarissa Crisp
Yes. DON'T USE AVOCADOS. Oh, and this just in--LEARN MY DAMN NAME.
Dear Mr. Avocado,
At what point in history was it decisively concluded that air power outclassed the battleship? Was it when Pearl Harbor was attacked?
Sincerely and whatnot,
Admiral Dan Sinking
Actually, this debate was still going on at the highest levels of the U.S. Navy near the end of WWII. Admiral Spruance tried to initiate a grand battle with the Yamato and its defenders by sending the battleships of Task Force 54 into attacking position. He was outmaneuvered by Vice Admiral Mitscher, who was able to get the aircraft carriers of Task Force 58 into position sooner and was cleared to attack. It was clear after the sinking of the Yamato that the era of the battleship had passed.
What? I dabble.
Dear Mr. Avacado,
My boyfriend seems distant lately. He's traveling much more on business than he used to, and last night when I called him I could swear I heard a female voice laughing in the background. It's the holidays and I'm heartbroken What should I do?
Upset,
Debra Lojak
Let me get this straight: you're having a problem in your relationship, and you're so desperate and pathetic that you're asking an AVOCADO PIT for advice? What--was a WATERMELON SEED not available?
He's just not that into you. Do I need to draw you a picture with some mashed avocado? Oh, that's right, I can't--I DON'T HAVE ARMS.
You people make me sick. You think you have problems? I fell off a tree AND SOMEBODY CUT ME OPEN. Excuse the hell out of me if I don't feel like singing Christmas carols.
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