The Final Buying Speakers From a Van Story (I Think)
Here's a real gem from Russ Harvey.I see that buying speakers from vans is getting a bad rap over at Dubious Quality, so I feel compelled to chime in with my story.
I was home from college for the summer, walking through the parking lot outside a grocery store with a buddy of mine, when a pickup truck pulled alongside and a skinny guy leaned out and yelled, "You guys are gonna think I'm crazy, but you wanna buy some speakers?" It wasn’t the nicest neighborhood, so I told him if he parked it right there, we'd take a look. He immediately lands the truck across 3 spaces, leaps out, and motions us towards the back with a jerk of his head. I give it the eyeball; looks like an electrician's truck, lots of cable spools, boxes of miscellaneous plastic parts, that kind of thing. And in the corner are two plain, large boxes.
The guy starts talking a mile a minute. "Dude, they f$*(#d up, they f#$%^d up! I was supposed to go put these in but checkitout they're wood and they're supposed to be composite! They're wood!" Meanwhile he's yanking at the packaging, tossing out the Styrofoam, and pulling aside some plastic so we can see inside one of the boxes. I look inside and see...wood. "See? SEE? It's wood! They f&*$d up they f($*(#d up!"
So, we've established that they're wood, and somebody f*($#d up. I can tell I'm going to get a great party story out of this already.
Speedtalker starts pulling the speaker out, babbling as he does. "Checkitout man I am not scammin you these are like the best speakers on the market lookatit it's liquid cooled man! Liquid cooled! I don't even know what that sh#$ means man it's so my boss can put 'em in titty bars and turn 'em up loud!"
Whoa, liquid cooled! He gets the thing all the way out of the box and yanks the plastic down, and my friend (a diehard audiophile) digs an elbow into me. I glance over at him, and he gives a very slight nod. We move in to inspect the thing while our new pal keeps up the running narration. "They f*$#d up man they f*%&d up! I boned outta there and I got 'em and Idon'tknowaroundhere where I could stash 'em! Where can I stash 'em? Dude these go for like a thousand bucks a speaker man! They f*$(#d up!" I look up at Speedy and ask the big question, "how much?"
He stops and stares at me, like I've asked the strangest question, then goes "A thousand bucks for both, man!" My friend and I laugh. "I'm not buying speakers from the back of a truck for a thousand bucks, bro. I'll take 'em home and turn 'em on and they won't work." He gets really agitated at this point. "Nonono man I'm not scammin' you checkitout look these are totally real I'll take the other one out I sweartogod man swear to God!" I look at him for a few seconds, then I tell him we have to go and discuss it while he pulls the other one out.
We get a little ways away and begin a hushed consultation. I motion towards the truck. "Think he's tweaking?" "Haha yeah, which makes me think they might actually be real." "You recognize those?" "Yeah, they're really good speakers if they aren't knock-offs. And those're the most impressive fakes I've ever seen if they are." "Are they really liquid cooled?" "No." We share a laugh. "So, they're either stolen or knock-offs." "Yeah." "Okay, what're you willing to lay down to find out?" "A hundo?" "Sounds about right."
I'll spare you the details of the negotiating, but we eventually took them for 140 for the pair. We're walking back to our car, both looking at each other sheepishly, both thinking that we've probably just been taken for 140 bucks, when the truck rolls by us, slams the brakes on, and he jumps out again. "Dude I can't sell those I need 'em back. Comeonguys I need 'em back here's your money back." He reaches into his pocket and proffers a wad of bills. Now I'm wondering if he's trying to hand us funny-money or something. I say, "a deal's a deal bro" and keep walking to the car. He starts getting wound up again, haranguing us from behind as we cross the lot. I'm slightly worried that he's being so aggressive when he probably weighs about 150 pounds soaking wet, and the thought that he might have a weapon starts weighing heavily on my mind. But we just keep walking, he keeps yelling at us, and finally we get to the car, shove the speakers in the back, and he bolts back towards his truck to follow us. We lose him easily enough and go over to my buddy's place. I want to hook them up right away, but he pedantically lectures me on the dangers of doing so, and proceeds to download all the specs from the manufacturer's website. The model numbers match up, the dimensions line up, the logo is perfect, the build quality seems high, so he goes for it. They sounded absolutely beautiful.
We roomed together for a couple years after that, and at a few parties someone would ask about our speakers, to which I would happily reply, "They f*($d up man, they f$*%d up! They're wood, see? And liquid cooled."
The funny part is, I'd never heard of the widespread "white van with speakers" scam before, and when I read that Wikipedia entry I was blown away. That was an almost perfect recreation of what happened to us...only in our case, it wasn't a scam. I suppose the lesson learned is to only accept those sorts of deals from people that are high.
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