Captain FOSYou know someone like him.
He's American, but Japanese is his native language. He's played every game in history and has minute analysis and criticisms of every one. There's nothing you can tell him that he hasn't already heard.
He's Captain FullOfShit.
What makes Captain FOS so interesting is that he's not just a liar. It's more complicated than that. What he is, instead, is a random lie generator when the truth is less fantastic than he thinks it should be. Sometimes, though, he's actually telling the truth.
This makes Captain FOS a fantastically interesting person, because it's like a game to figure out when he's actually being honest. Plus, he actually seems like a decent guy, so it's not like he's a jerk--he's just a fantasist.
I've written about Captain FOS before (in a different way, and with a different name), but last week, I had a conversation with him that absolutely must be repeated.
Me: So, are you playing Tiger Woods on the Wii?
Captain FOS: Am I ever! That game is AMAZING! (rubs his shoulder) My shoulder is sore from playing so much.
Me: I have problems putting uphill, but everything else is great.
Captain FOS: I'm fine putting uphill, but I get in trouble with my girlfriend, because I'm swinging a club in the living room.
Me: Oh, you mean one of those club attachments? They have those out for MotionPlus already?
Captain FOS: No, not that. I'm swinging a real club. And my girlfriend is freaked out that I'm swinging a full-length driver in the living room.
Me: So how did you do this?
Captain FOS: A friend of mine sent me a link to a Taiwanese website that had a bolt-on attachment to put the remote on a real club. It only cost $15, but I had to import it through a third-party buyer and it wound up costing almost $100.
Me: I'd really like to try that. Do you remember the name of the company?
Captain FOS: Sorry, I can't do that.
Captain FOS: Because it was a Taiwanese website that my friend sent me, and I had to use Google translator.
Sure, some of that has an odor about it (and nobody who knows anything about golf would attach the remote to a freaking driver), but everything Captain FOS says sounds at least vaguely plausible, which is why it's always so interesting to talk to him.
This is the same guy who, after I told him about Dwarf Fortress, told me three days later that he'd "played for ten hours but just wasn't feeling it."
So yes, I spent at least an hour trying various Google searches, hoping to find this magical device. It was like searching for the Holy Grail, and even though I knew it didn't exist, I just couldn't help myself.